Archive for October, 2012

Apron raffle winner!

And the winner is . . . .


Congratulations, and wear it in good health!  I have emailed you so you can let us know which apron you would like.

Thanks so much to everyone who entered!

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1.  Good news, everybody!  The  internet is really just a bunch of tubes. Each time you Google something, a little bell rings, and one of a team of alert, uniformed attendants runs over, finds what you need in a large, olive green file cabinet, and, quick as a wink, stuffs it into one of these  pneumatic tubes and sends it over to your computer with a puff of air.

Comforting.   Shut up shut up shut up with the further explanations!  I spend most of my day trying to encourage vegetable consumption in children who put forks in their pants and underwear on their heads.  I want to understand something, anything, and if that means believing that the internet is tubes, then can’t you let me have that?

2.  One of the minor mortification of living the culture of life:  taking your stupid bright red and blue and yellow NaPro Technology chart,

which is clearly all about dorky, dorky Catholic sex, to Staples to photocopy it so you can mail it to your practitioner, because your scanner is always broken and your husband has your digital camera to the office with him, where he is working two jobs because damn, the culture of life is expensive.  Extra time off purgatory if you have to bring your kids to Staples with you, and one of gets a bloody lip by tipping a cart over on herself.

3.  Although it could always be worse:  I once discovered, halfway through Mass, that one of the kids had found some paperwork from WIC, including a sticker promoting the consumption of fresh fruits and veggies.  This sticker depicted a bright red tomato with huge, avid eyes and grinning teeth, and it said, “RIPE AND READY!”

This sticker, thank to the efforts of my child, was stuck to my ass.
4.  Oh, but that Creighton app that’s been almost ready to go for, like, twenty-three years?  My sources tell me it’s actually being field tested now! Exciting news, I say with slightly forced optimism.   Of course, by the time it’s ready to go, NFP technology will have advanced so far that our  granddaughters will be able to just wave a special digital swab through the air between them and their husbands.  If they’re fertile, a baby hologram will appear between them winking and saying, “Eh?  Eh?  Know what I mean?  Know what I mean?  Eh?”  But the Creighton app will be ready.

5.  I bought the Schoolhouse Rock multiplication songs* to listen to in the car, where we spend at least two hours every day.  I, for one, have been enjoying them — as have the preschoolers.  The older kids, who should and don’t know their multiplication facts, are much too coolhouserock for Schoolhouse Rock.  Too bad for them.  This one is my favorite:

Isn’t that lovely?  Not to be a killjoy, but isn’t it amazing how much has changed in a few decades?  This ran on PBS, but it’s so Eurocentric and heteronormative and it uses “faith, hope, and charity” and the Trinity as examples of three!  Can you imagine?  Anyway, Irene’s favorite is “My Hero, Zero,” and I’ve seen Lucy silently mouthing along with the tiger in the “Four-Legged Zoo” one. I also like six, seven, and eleven, and my thirteen-year-old confesses a partiality to nine.

*This link is actually to a DVD.  I bought a used copy of the audio cassette, because that’s what our life is like.  As with all Amazon links, I get a small portion of the sale price; so if you’re going to shop through Amazon, I’d love you to pieces if you did it through my links!  On my list for this weekend:  installing an Amazon button on the sidebar.  Thanks to everyone who’s used my links in the past!

6.  Speaking of ideas that offend 21st-century ears, I’ve added a link to the audio for my talk on forgiveness to my speaking page.

7.  Any time someone tries to tell you that, despite our superficial differences of race and culture and traditions, we are all really the same under our skin, you call tell them, “Oh yeah?  Then what about THIS?”


8.  Oops, eight.  So sue me.  Have you entered the apron raffle yet?  Just $3 for a chance to win one of these lovely, handmade aprons

and you can enter as many times as you want.  The contest closes at NOON TODAY Eastern Time!  I’ll announce the winner sometime later today.

Happy weekend!  Don’t forget to check out the other 7QT on Jen’s blog.

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My husband — my HUSBAND! — make me take out the part about how, every time Obama goes down in the polls,  he does the Dutch Oven on Michelle.  But the rest stands.

In other news, don’t forget to enter the apron raffle!   Just $3!  Ends tomorrow!

In other news, happy anniversary to my husband.  Fifteen years with you is proof that God is good.


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Yes, unless they’re medicinal.  But they’re perfectly fine for the after-Mass social hour.

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Hey, everybody –

My dear friend Robin has been selling handmade aprons online.  They are lovely and beautifully crafted, with 100% cotton backing and decorative stitching all around, and each apron is completely reversible.  UPDATE:  You can see the 30+ aprons for sale here.

Here are her lovely daughters modelling three of the many aprons she offers:

She offers them at $35 and has been doing a brisk business, but I thought it would be fun to raffle one off here, because I know I can’t be the only one who’s starting to fret about Christmas presents.  So here’s the deal:  you can buy one of these lovely handmade aprons for $35 . . . or you can enter the raffle for a mere THREE DOLLARS.

A little bit about Robin:  she is an Army vet and a gifted photographer who is raising two teenage daughters.  She has been a single mom for four years after a very contentious separation from her husband.  We all know how difficult that life can be, but Robin seems to be given more than her share of burdens.  She has back problems and an anxiety disorder, which make it impossible for her to work outside the home.

Robin HATES to ask for help.  She hates, hates, hates it.  She struggles so mightily to support her family on her own.  They have sold half of their possessions in yard sales, just to raise money for necessities — things like toilet paper and food.  Last winter, they turned on the heat for just one hour a day, in the girls’ bedroom right before bed, and they expect to do this same this winter.  This will be the third year when can’t even think of Christmas or birthday presents.  They have no car, and often spend hours of their day walking into town to do errands.

I know that Robin would never agree to a pure fundraiser, but she is glad to raffle off one her gorgeous aprons.  So this is your chance not only to support a sister in Christ, but also to get a chance at winning something lovely!  To enter, just click this button:

[took the paypal button down because the raffle is closed!]

You may enter as many times as you like, and the winner will be chosen through a random number generator.  The winner may chose any of the three aprons in the photo above.

Don’t forget you can see all the aprons Robins is offering for sale here.  And of course if you can’t spare $3 for a raffle chance, prayers for Robin and her family are welcome!  Thank you.

The contest will close on Friday, October 26, and I will announce the winner that day.  Good luck!

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Hi, I’m The Jerk.

You might remember me from that time the League of Outraged Catholic Ladies had me censored for saying …


Um, no. Look, all I said was K-Lo is kinda …

Fine. I get the gist.

Well, the outraged ladies have won, as Simcha has told me that I’m not allowed to do this movie review without an in-blog editor checking it to make sure I’m not being too offensive. Anyway, here he is, “Dr.” Johnboy Zmirak:

Hehuh, hehuh, You wanna hear about how not voting for Romney is like …. You know … hehuh hehuh hehuh

Actually, I’d hate to. But speaking of onanism, here’s this week’s movie:

You know how you can tell a movie is good? I mean really really good? Well, finding it for sale in the discount bin at the gas station where I buy my beer is a surefire tip this one’s a winner.

hehuh hehuh hehuh, Wanna know where I buy my movies? hehuh hehuh hehuh


This movie has it all:  stupid characters with pointless quirks, a story that starts slow and stays slow, Bono singing Lou Reed songs on the soundtrack, and some rank antisemitism.

You forgot to mention me.

Yup, Mel Gibson stars in this movie as a FBI agent with a secret past. That past? He grew up as a circus freak with either an arm or a Jew growing out of his back. The movie is never really clear about Mel’s deformity, but it is clear in its feelings about the Joooooooos.

Hey, don’t you think Mel Gibson jokes are a little cheap?

Good point Johnny, but you should zip up now.

Hehuh hehuh hehuh.

Lookit, Gibson is a tragedy of booze, crazy, bad decisions, and more crazy. This guy is seriously talented: a leading man who can act, a unique storyteller, and a hell of a director. But you can see, in this pre-“sugar-tits” incident movie, the seeds of his destruction are there …

You said SEED hehuh hehuh hehuh.

ANYWAY, Mel’s character is hired by a Jewish media mogul to find out who killed his son, Israel, a junkie poet living at the Million Dollar Hotel.  Spoiler – Israel is the movie’s real villain who sets off tragedy and quirks by raping the heroine. The mogul explains he and “his people” control the world, so Gibbo had better do a good job and find the killer.

What’s wrong with that?

Ugh. Look, if Jews really ran the media do you think that Simcha would put up with me?

Is it really all Mel’s fault, though? No. It is not. This stink burger was directed by Wim Wenders, the guy who made that movie about angels and crap.

And the lady acrobat who wore a leotard hehuh hehuh hehuh

Yeah. And let’s not forget the writer, one Paul David Hewson, also known as Bono.


No, I said Bono.

I’m pretty sure I heard boner.

I bet you did.

The movie’s hero is Tom Tom, played by some guy. Does it really matter?  Really?

I was hoping you’d kinda forget I was in this.

Oh, don’t worry, you were plenty forgettable.

Tom Tom is what you call “movie special needs.” You never really know what his deal is, but he’s got one. I think he has Independent Movie Quirk Syndrome. It was first discovered by Johnny Depp in the 1990s, but scientists have yet to find a cure.

I keep my farts in a bag.

IMQS seems to afflict everyone in this movie, from the guy who thinks he was a Beatle, to the hooker with a heart of gold plating played by  indy movie queen Amanda “Honey Bunny” Plummer, to even Jimmy Smits as a native American painter who paints with tar. Yes. Tar. Jimmy, why?

Hey, you never complained when you saw my ass in NYPD Blue.

Not an argument, Jimmy. Not an argument.

I was always a big Dennis Franz fan myself. Hehuh hehuh hehuh.

Of course this movie features Milla Jovovich as the fragile and broken heroine, because the producers couldn’t afford Winona Ryder.

And because I make my own costumes out of newspaper and spit paste.

She plays crazy/quirky about as well as ….

WAIT! She was in that one movie, with the aliens, and she wore those white band-aid things AND YOU COULD SEE hehuh hehuh hehuh EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I think I’m getting a new idea about politics!

Damnit John, you’re ruining my review and all the hand towels. I watched this whole dumb movie, and I don’t even get to write the review without your nonsense.

Well, until next time, amigos.

So, wanna hang out later? I promise not to try and squeeze your balls.

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Sorting it out as the election rhetoric gets more and more hysterical

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