Maternal Guilt Cheat Sheet

This would have been funnier if I had take the time to make it into a graphic chart, with little hammer symbols to indicate different levels of guilt!  Oh, I feel so BAD about it!



  1. It’s people like you that make me possibly consider that someday getting married and being a mother wouldn’t be so bad; just be sure to pee your pants laughing at least once a month.

    That’s a compliment, I swear.

  2. Oh! Simcha, I love your writing! I laughed so hard at this!
    My children actually once shouted (in rather a small church) “We KNOW This one!” and began to belt out the words to “One Bed, One Body” much much more enthusiastically than ANYONE else could sing “One Bread, One Body”(choir master included).
    Luckily we were visiting that parish and probably wont get back there…

    One bed, one body.
    One place of sleeping where we sleep
    And we though many, throughout the house
    We are each sleeping alone.
    Boys or Girls, piled in bed, no more.
    Many the beds, your father has bought, for you.
    Clean sheets on the beds, each to his own, NOT gathered in one.

  3. Considering your last point, every time I feel like a ‘bad mother’, I remember that my once-upon-a-time first grader was so excited to tell us a story one of her friends told all the other girls at the lunch table at parochial school. It kind of went like this:

    ” *Jessie said that she got up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and she saw her mommy and her daddy nakie on the living room floor [somewhat graphic but unlikely description here] and they told her it was the sex and that she wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about it. Mommy, What is the sex?”

    *Name changed to protect the guilty.

    My only thought at the time was “Thank you, Jessie’s parents. Where are the advil and the TUMs?”

    So the moral here is your children are going to traumatize other children, who will traumatize their whole family with your escapades later, whether you speak of it ever again or not. And these other parents will secretly think YOU ARE the worst parent ever, because now they have to figure out how to explain ‘the sex’ to a kid who couldn’t breach the super security lock that they did manage to get on their own bedroom door and will follow them around for weeks asking questions about ‘the sex’ every time they draw a breath, even at the grocery store.

    And fifteen years later, those parents will still be telling people about it on the internet.

  4. I still remember being a small child with devout Catholic neighbors (my family was alas, inactive Catholics), and my dear, little catechized friend told me that “hell” wasn’t a bad word, because after all, we prayed, “Hell, Mary.” Hehe. I told that to my parents at the supper table. I was the youngest of three children, much younger than the older two (mom lost two babies in between my brother and me, so there were eight years!), and there was silence. I remember my brother, sister, and parents all snickering at me….

  5. This article is hilarious! Do you know that wedging the tip of an old tennis shoe under the bedroom door works better than a lock? Plus it doubles as a dog toy if your new curious puppy sleeps in the bedroom.

  6. Thank you so much for this. I couldn’t sleep because of guilt from yelling at my precious 2 year old today. This post was exactly what I needed. Maybe I can get some sleep now.

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