Dear Greenypantses: This Is Why No One Likes You

And this is why I have so many friends.



  1. You should move south to Connecticut. You’d never run out of amazingly stupid greeny things to write about. You could start with all the ultra-swankily dressed women with their conflict free diamonds stopping at the recycle dump so they can feel better about making the 30 minute jaunt over the mountain so they can get their organic raw milk chevre from Whole Foods.

    Or the fact that an 11 year old can’t sit in a car by herself while you run into Walgreens for toothpaste, but she can procure an abortion without having to let you know.

  2. Simcha, I have been repeating your bit about the droll, fedora-wearing snail to myself all day and giggling. Well done!

  3. Ah, Connecticut! Where (I’ve read) you can legally drive around with an open alcohol container in your car and no one may surmise that you might be drinking from it, but the liquor stores close at 9. Every weeknight. Many at 8, although they don’t have to…you know…to get ready for it to be 9. The richest of states, the poorest of states. Where columnists byotch about how Catholic-run, last resort affordable housing is “keeping the city poor.” Just down the road from a certain tourist attraction which, I have on good authority, sells $150 pens in custom boxes. That you have to buy separate ink cartridges for before you can use. And they sell.

    I moved there and stayed there anyway. Go figure. 🙂

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