Your voting guide to fat republicans

You’re feverish, miserable, throwing up, unable to get any rest.  When will you be rid of it?  Just when you think you’ve finally shaken it off, it comes around again for another go.  Yes, folks, it’s back again to torment you some more:  another election season is heaving into view.  And I do mean heaving.

Since voting for Obama incurs an automatic excommunication (see Mundi Worstibus,  from the second council of Dipshit), and voting for Ron Paul means you’re mistaking your Fisher Price Happy Face Phone for a voting booth again (ding ding ding!  Teacher says another congressman gets his wings!), you will most likely be stuck voting  . . . sigh . . . republican.  I don’t even have the energy to press the “shift” key to make it “Republican,” that’s how tired it makes me.

And you know what?   Call me petty.  Go ahead:  petty, petty,  petty!  I can take it.  But here’s the fact:  you can tell all you need to know about a politician by how much blubber he’s lugging around — and how.

Case in point:  Mike Huckabee.  Former Fatty Extraordinaire.  Matt Drudge should have won a Pulitzer for the moment of genius when he ran this glorious photo, which he headlined with the words “Hucka BOOM BOOM BOOM!

photo source

The wife and the daughter did not rate a “boom.”  Neither did the dog.

Now, this here is not a picture of a happy man.  The dog seems okay, but this is a picture of a man in crisis, a man who cannot be trusted.   A man who allows his wife to  persuade him to be photographed in a shirt with elbow patches in a contrasting fabric.  Is this the face of leadership?  No, this is a portrait of an indecisive fellow, a lost soul, a miserable, awkward (albeit firmly-packed) shell of a human being.  And where is Mr. I-don’t-know-who-I-am-anymore?

gettin' loose
photo source

Sumpin’  . . . sumpin’ ain’t right here.  Where’s the fat, flip-flopper?  I ask again, sir, where is the fat?  If we can’t even trust him to keep track of several hundred pounds of his own flesh, are we really supposed to hand over leadership of this country, which is literally FILLED with fat people in ugly shirts?  I don’t see it.  I just don’t see it.

Okay.  Second:  Chris Christie.

photo source

Now, here is a fat man’s fat man.  He may even be a fat man’s fat man’s fat man — he’s that fat!  This is not someone who got to be so elephantine by casual snacking, but a man who has clearly shown a lifelong devotion to building up a veritable trust fund of adipose tissue — a personal legacy of lard.  This is someone who was born to be fat, designed to dominate, fashioned in his mother’s womb to fill the entire bench seat of your average SUV.

"How 'bout if I just devour you?"

And yeah, okay, fine, I would vote for him, if only to see what it’s like to vote for an adult for a change.  Sheesh.

And finally:  Newt Gingrich.

"Welp-- five o'clock, time for a new wife and/or religion!"
image source

His chin is so ugly, blah blah blah.  Okay, I’ll admit it, I don’t care that he’s a chubby little gnome with too many hair follicles.  The main thing I don’t like about him is the way he’s a terrible human being.  Yes, Newt, oh please oh please pretend to run for president!  It makes me feel so good to realize that the country is full of people like me who are as disgusted by the Republicans as we are by the Democrats.  It’s like choosing between eating baloney that’s gone bad, and eating, like, Vaseline.  The baloney is way past its expiration date, and was never that great to begin with:  that’s the Republicans.  And the Democrats?  Well, Vaseline is only good for lubricating things you probably shouldn’t be doing anyway. A schmear on a plate doesn’t make it a wholesome meal, and ohhh, you will regret it tomorrow.

You know, I may have a fever.  Does that explain anything?

And that’s why, next primary, I’m voting for Chris Christie’s Fat.  I believe him when he says he’d rather  make sweet, sweet love to Todd Palin’s snow machine than run for president.  Or whatever it was he said.  And so I won’t insult the man by voting for him, himself.  But Chris Christie’s fat?  Yes please.  There’s so much of the guy, he could be his own vice president!

Democracy!

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83 comments

  1. I don’t know how many people are likely to rear back with howls of outrage, but this…is…HILARIOUS. Well done, Simcha! LOL

    I will continue to say it till I’m blue in the face, that the kingdom of God will come (or not come) completely independent of who sits in office. And so, while I don’t abdicate my responsibility to choose the least of all evils, I don’t get nearly as bent out of shape about politics as everyone else I know. It’s of earth, not of Heaven.

  2. I was just whining the other day about how I will be voting for whomever runs against the big O. Even if I have to hold my nose, as last time. sigh.

  3. **wipes eyes** You’re gonna get me in trouble at work. I can’t just bust out laughing at my desk, willy-nilly. well done – that was SERIOUSLY funny.

    And Kathleen: I couldn’t agree more. All that endless hoopla and those stupid signs everywhere and what happens? Everything remains exactly the same.

  4. Chris Christie is losing weight, has been for most of the past year. We’ve had some fat Presidents before, and some very thin ones. Very little has been made of the girth of the former, with the exception of William Howard Taft, and even he lost 80 pounds in the first year after his presidency.

  5. cracking me up!!

    Chris Christie is supposed to be losing weight but…

    he showed up to the NJ rally for life in NJ!

  6. I am incredibly sick of politicians. And I’m sick of handing out pro-life voters’ guides after Mass. It’s become an embarassment to me. I feel like a schill for the Republican party, though here in Pennsylvania there usually is a token pro-life Dem on the ballot . Supposedly we pro-lifers had both houses of congress and the presidency and we couldn’t even get a parental notification – not a parental consent – a parental notification bill??? The hell with all of them.

    p.s. The lady in our parish who organizes the voter guide distribution is – surprise! – a Republican committeewoman.

    • You and the person who organizes voter’s guides at your church are the reasonI don’t go to church. America’s church’s have been taken over by the republican party and you are exactly what you yourself said you are, a republican schill. You said it first, not me. The church’s are no longer about God or Jesus; the churches are GOP franchise offices.

  7. My daughter hears me cracking up uncontrollably from the other room and says, “What?! What? Oh, is it Simcha Fisher again?”

    On another note, I’ve admired Chris Christie anytime I’ve heard him on the radio. Having been without TV for six years, however, I had no idea what he looked like until your post.

  8. I don’t know how well this came through while I was babbling, but I ADORE Chris Christie, and am looking forward to voting to him as soon as I can. Something about that agile mind in that enormous body is tremendously appealing, and I do believe that he’s pro-life AND practical about it.

    I think he’s smart not to run for prez this year. He’s got plenty of work cut out for him, and obviously intends to accomplish something before running for president. When’s the last time we’ve seen that happen?

      • my roomate just got weighed at the docs office and he is 283 and christie is at least 100 lbs bigger. 400 lbs is too big for the presidency.

  9. My favorite thing about this entire piece is the notion that refusing to capitalize a proper noun is an expression of apathy toward the noun in question.

    That would explain every single e.e. cummings poem I’ve ever read.

  10. I just can’t see the humor in the hatefulness. Before you think it, no, I’m not fat. Yes, I vote Republican and no, I’m never thrilled with any of the candidates. But it just seemed that you found a way to voice all your hateful thoughts in the guise of humor.

  11. Hey!

    Thomas Aquinas.
    G.K. Chesterton

    Just saying…

    I adore Chris Christie, too. I love the fact that he won’t run for president because he doesn’t think he’s ready (yet!!!). Nolo episcopari.

  12. How is it possible that this post does not make reference to Haley Barbour? How?

    BTW, I like Barbour, although he’s probably about as viable nationally as Ging Newtrich.

  13. I question the timing

    Reading between the lines: Pat Archibold wrote an article, which you commented on, about how fat = good. And then you write an article about how you’re going to vote for fat people.

    Do you or do you not have inside information that Pat Archibold is going to be running for office? Can you confirm or deny the existence of these rumors? Would you vote for Pat?

    That being said, you made me laugh, again. Thanks.

    • I would not, could not vote for Pat, because I always kept those Archbolds straight by thinking of Pat as the not-fat one. Now I hear otherwise. Apparently he, too, knows something about photo cropping (although he didn’t feel the need to tip his chin up as much as I did in my headshot, so I’m wondering just how fat he could possibly be). To me, all this spells “untrustworthy.”

  14. Dude. Are you seriously slamming Ron Paul? And I thought you were intelligent. He actually would USE the constitution, unlike anyone else since Lincoln trashed state’s rights. Ha! I know this will piss you off, but there you have it.

    Does anyone out there even realize that our country is not supposed to be a democracy? We’re not even supposed to be voting, most of us. Poor, poor, uneducated victims of public schooling.

  15. Simcha: I am have just found your blog recently, and you are both hilarious and spot on. The description of republicans and democrats being like a choice between baloney gone bad and vaseline was priceless.
    My coffee may or may not have come out my nose.
    I’d better wipe off my computer screen now.

    I’m also a big Chris Christie fan.

  16. You are hilarious and I love your posts.

    I think we should be involved in the political process – it is too easy to sit back and judge the fattys. And this is coming from a hermit who married a lifelong republican.

    I like being a republican for no other reason than that it is cutting edge. I was a conservative a long time ago.

    Do I like being associated vaguely with country clubs where I can’t afford membership? no. But I am alone, because the hilarious, like-minding “cool” people like you are blogging at home about the fattys & I am out there feeling like a total dork!

    It is like saying you are not going to mass because you don’t like the priest. So, you are not going to get involved because you don’t like the candidates – nice, but inconsistent and illogical.

    • There is nothing wrong with skipping the kabuki ceremony of voting. When Republicans want to stop treating all Pro Lifers like Newt’s first wife, I’ll reconsider.

    • Just for the record, I ALWAYS vote. I’m not thrilled to have to choose the least evil candidate so often, but I think it’s incredibly important to vote, and that’s what I teach my kids. The Jerk is only talking like this right now because he’s in a different state at the moment, and knows I can’t throw anything at him.

      I can’t agree that Republican is cutting edge anymore, though. Maybe it depends on where you live, but the older I get, the more similar the two parties seem. I like the Tea Party not so much for what they represent, but for the effect they have on the Republicans (pants-wetting).

    • The time to get involved is, I fear, in the primaries rather than in the general election. You should be able to cast a vote for someone you can stand behind, whether you vote in the D or the R primary.

    • Ann, I’m a registered Republican but I don’t identify myself as one anymore because it turns out they’re all political whores. Remember when Rick Santorum sat on that stage and endorsed the nothing less than evil Arlen Specter simply because Specter was a fellow Republican? It’s not that I’m too cool to participate in politics on a party level, it’s that Catholic Republican Rick Santorum broke my political heart or maybe he just opened my eyes to what’s been disgusting about politics all along. Either way, I’m not buying the party line.

  17. Dear The Jerk:
    You are the answer to the question “Who trolls the trolls?”
    I wish every website had one of you. Keep bringing the snark, buddy.

  18. Those of you who are fans of Christie, do any of you live in NJ like me? Now, I will admit to voting for him (I admired his record of going after corruption) but am nervous every time sends his gaze towards education funding. My son is autistic and my daughter also developmentally delayed (she has a sensory disorder which doesn’t count as an actual classification in NJ) and I depend on the services I receive from the public school. Just the thought of losing more therapists or more hours (the reimbursements we used to get for respite care are long gone already) is terribly depressing. I mean, autism is a bitch (but this is widely known and accepted–it’s not like any of you are going to disagree with me) and we are surviving as a family with the help we get from our public schools. I pray daily for the teachers, therapists, principals, the Dir. of the Child Study Team, our school Superintendent, etc. because these people are integral to our survival. And I’m not sure Christie isn’t, in the name of balancing the budget, going to pull the rug out from under my kids. That is a terrible feeling and one that serious hampers my ability to cheer for him.

    • I live here, Sarah!
      I understand the support you need for your children. I work with kids with autism and special needs.
      The fact is school budgets do need to be addressed and the school districts must address this issue in a responsible way. For the most part, it’s the school districts deciding where to cut, not Christie.

    • i live here too, and generally vote republican. my husband is a politically conservative state employee. christie is doing the things that, in the main, need to be done fiscally. however, i wish he wasn’t such a jerk about it. he’s using state employees as a convenient scapegoat for all fiscal ills, yet even if he fired every last one of them we still wouldn’t be able to balance the budget.

      i wish tough fiscal decisions didn’t have tough consequences for real people. i also wish that budget cuts would target more of the administrative pork that plagues most school districts, rather than the teachers and therapists that work directly with kids. consolidating districts might help, too.

        • Thank you for your kindness and don’t mind the note of desperation in my voice. My daughter’s been sick all week and so hasn’t been sleeping well which sends me down the road thinking “If my son wasn’t going to school every day and getting such excellent therapy there, I don’t know how I would cope.” I am very blessed to be in this district and I just have to trust that God is going to take care of us, whomever the governor might be.

  19. Give me fat Republican over any Democrat any day. Democrats are almost uniformly against anything decent, moral, family-centered, or religious. They are not our friends, in spite of their professing to be for “the little guy” and “working people” which I guess means union folk, since they do not represent me or mine who are all hard-working.

  20. I always vote. Living in NH, I find it more exciting than in my previous location. Because many times our races are darn close (there’s that feeling that maybe, just maybe my one little vote will sway the tide). There’s something about this state that makes liberals want to pretend they’re not, and conservatives want to look like they believe everything their friends do.

    I have a little crush on Christie, but there are some things I’ll pass on. No one is perfect I suppose. He’d certainly be a better leader than many of the others.

    As far as fat percentage = qualifications? Well, all I have to say is, if this guy: http://www.gov.state.la.us/assets/images/governorjindal1.jpg

    ever runs for a higher office – he’s got my vote. Fat or not.

  21. Does anyone know the Pledge of Allegiance? Notice it says ‘republic,’ not ‘democracy.’ I really think most Americans do not understand the difference. We’re operating under a democracy, which was one of the Founding Fathers worst nightmares. You may as well call it ‘mobocracy.’ Food for thought:

    Thomas Jefferson: “A democracy is nothing more than mob rule…”

    John Adams: “Democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.:

    Alexander Hamilton (Federalist Papers): “We are a Republican Government. Real liberty is never found in despotism or in the extremes of democracy. The ancient democracies in which the people themselves deliberated never possessed one good feature of government. Their very character was tyranny; their figure deformity.”

    James Madison: “Democracy was the right of the voter to choose his own tyrant.”

    James Madison: “Democracies have ever been spectacles of turbulence and contention; have ever been found incompatible with personal security or the rights of property; and have in general been as short in their lives as they have been violent in their death.”

    John Quincy Adams: “The experience of all former ages had shown that of all human governments, democracy was the most unstable, fluctuating, and short-lived.”

    G.K. Chesterton: “Democracy means government by the uneducated.”

    Do you respect these people? I do. There are hundreds more quotes from them, and others that understood government for anyone to read who cares to look, and really understand our country. I can’t stand to see otherwise intelligent people completely fooled as to what we’re supposed to be, and what we have become. If you don’t understand politics, please don’t post about it.

    Just trying to instruct the ignorant a little here, don’t get all in a bunch. And don’t slam Ron Paul- he actually understands these things. If George Washington were running for Pres today, you’d probably laugh him off the podium, too.

    REPUBLIC!!!!!

    • Food for thought:
      Quit ruining the jokes with lame politics.

      Oh, and Ron Paul is a stone cold racist.

      Oh, and if George Washingtom was on the podium I would run screaming, cause he would obviously be a zombie.

      I TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I HAVE GLAUCOMA!

  22. I’m pretty done with liberalism, but do I really have to vote Conservative? ….really?…really? couldn’t I just….ya know, yank out my right eye with a shrimp fork instead?

  23. I really do hate republicans I hate everything they stand for
    they stand for $$$$ for the rich if you haven’t figured that out yet
    plesae fight back against the republicans and make sure you do something to fight for the poor adnt he defenseless
    they don’t have the time or the money to be rambling on about how their kid didnt get all A’s and instead got an A- so won’t get into the college that your grandaddy founded.
    so please fight back and vote democrat

  24. Limbaugh is a fat tub of goo and a chicken hawk.

    Beck is a fat tub of goo and a chicken hawk.

    Karl Rove is a fat tub of goo and a chicken hawk.

    Mike Huckabee is a fat tub of goo and a chicken hawk.

    Dick Morris is a fat tub of goo and a chicken hawk.

    Jerry Falwell was a fat tub of goo and a chicken hawk.

    John Hagee is a fat tub of goo and a chicken hawk.

    Most of these pigs are fat even bu sumo wrestler standards.

    It’s not just these talking fat heads, the obesity rate is highest in the red states and lowest in the liberal blue states.

    I have a theory. Greed and gluttony go hand and hand and Republicans are known to be greedy gluttons. OINK OINK PIGGIES OINK!!

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