Seven Fat Takes

Seven Reasons Why Being Fat May Be the Right Choice For You  . . . Today!

1.  You are so comfortable for the kids to snuzzle up with, especially in the winter.  As Mighty Mighty pointed out in the comments box of this post, kids always think bigger is better; and being nice and soft, with no bunchy muscles or anything, makes it even nicer.  Not only for the kids, either.

2.  Fashionwise, it’s a great time to be fat.  You have sartorial choices like never before.  Fifteen years ago, I remember our terrifyingly brilliant, consummately cultivated, frequently profound, secretly magnanimous, and very, very fat philosophy professor grumbling that, when he went shopping, he had a choice between a gigantic red polo shirt, or a gigantic red polo shirt with Tweety Bird embroidered on it.  This is a man who, when he had a fever, once stood at the podium and taught an entire phenomenology class in German without realizing it. (He’s not German.)  And everyone was too intimidated to say anything about it; we just took our notes, and liked it.

Oh, anyway, the point is that, nowadays, there are a lot more good clothes for fat people.  So  now, smart, fat people don’t have to wear Tweety Bird, unless they want to.

3.  So many American are  so much fatter than you.  If you’re feeling bad, just go the mall — you’ll feel like a slender reed in no time, because you’ll be in the minority of shoppers who don’t actually require the double door to get in.  Even when you’ve grown beyond bunchy, sailed past stout, and landed firmly in the land of lard, you will find that the hangers with your size on it are no longer the last one on the rack — there’s a whole new alphabet back there!  This is the age of the L-cup!  Boston just got a special ambulance for the obese! And look at you — you don’t even need an ambulance yet!  Have another Ring Ding — you can take it, slim.

4.  You get to discover that your husband is really, really in love with you, or else he’s a fantastic and indefatigable actor.  Just think, if I were still the proportions I was when he met me (36-24-38, just two inches away from being zoned as a brick house!), I would always wonder if he was sticking around all these years because of me, or my measurements.  Now that I’ve added the equivalent of a six-year-old child to my frame, I know it must be true love.

5.  I am so easy to buy presents for.  Look at the label of the item in question:  does it say either “nutrition information” or “XXL?”  If so, then it’s perfect for me.

6.  If I see a cookie, I can just go, “Hey, I’m gonna eat that,” and then I do.  Simple!

7.  I’d like to add more, but I’m all out of breath from typing.  Check out the other 7 Quick Takes at Jen Fulwiler’s Conversion Diary.  See you on Monday, you skinny jerks.


  1. I just finished a butt-kicking workout this morning to lose 4 kids worth of fat. I get up at 5:30 just to be sure I can get it in before the 4 kids monopolize my time.

    I was laughing so hard the kids came to see what was so funny. Whenever I want to feel better about myself, I go to Walmart. And if I’m afraid to don a bathing suit, I take the kids to the pool at the Y. Hey, I’m not in as bad a shape as I thought.


  2. Thank you. Thank you.

    I do late-night Wal Mart shopping sometimes just to feel beautiful and alive.

    Just this morning I was thinking about how, when I was in very good shape for a stretch of two years, I said to my husband, “I feel so great! I will never be fat again!”

    And yet once again I find myself flubbing around, trying to decide whether it’s better to tuck my pants under my fat roll, or schlump it up over my fat roll for maximum comfort and illusion.

    You are a beautiful person.

    • “trying to decide whether it’s better to tuck my pants under my fat roll, or schlump it up over my fat roll for maximum comfort and illusion.”

      OH MY GOSH. I can NOT stop laughing. I’m so glad I’m not the only woman who has to make this decision every day!

      And I want to add, that being pregnant, has really only exacerbated this problem. Why on earth are there so many pregnancy pant choices? “Under belly”, “On the belly”, “Slightly over belly”, “Up to your boobs”?

      • Oh it’s the up-to-the-boobs pants all the way. I discovered this when my pants of choice FELL OF ME IN THE STREET! After that I just tucked them under my bra when I was pregnant.

  3. Hahahaha…thanks for a good laugh to start my morning. I was just telling one of my co-workers yesterday that my 10-yr high school reunion is this year, and when it rolls around I’ll be about 5 months post-partum. So much for looking my best. To make me feel better, she told me how her daughter-in-law was already slimming down after the baby she had a month ago. I asked if she thought I could take off the baby weight AND the other 50 lbs I’ve gained since high school in 5 months. She didn’t have anything else to contribute to the conversation.

  4. Another thank you here. 8 babies in 13 years only does my spiritual looks good (at least there is that hope!). I personally like the eat the cookie take. Totally true!

  5. I have to note that this is the perfect post to celebrate the feast day of St Thomas Aquinas, who apparently never met a cookie he didn’t love 🙂

    • Lol! How true!

      If only I had his trade-off of such spiritual brainpower for sveltness. Alas, I’m down on both counts!

  6. Ditto on #6! Exactly!
    Thank you for acknowledging how freeing that experience is and how stupidly HARD it is to go in the other direction…
    self: “A cookie? I don’t need that. But it’s just one cookie. But it’s junk. But it’s so small. How many calories are in it? What?? How many?! For just ONE cookie?! Well, that’s ridiculous! But, if I just eat that ONE cookie and eat my hamburger with no bun tonight, that should even things out a bit. Oh, and I did go up and down stairs a few extra times this morning because I kept forgetting what I went upstairs for.”
    kid: “Mom, can I have that cookie?”
    self: “Oh here, just take it!”

  7. Thanks, for #2, too! Nice trip down memory lane… though I don’t think I was present for the german class… not mentally anyway, apparently.

  8. I put on 55 pounds with my last pregnancy, which also coincided with a tremendously emotional cross-country move. So I think there *may* have been some stress eating going on there. I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it over a calzone or something.

    We moved from Mississippi to Connecticut, which was shocking and horrifying. Before we left, a friend of ours, born and raised in Connecticut, and missing it horribly, said, “You’ll never fit in there. Everyone is skinny and ugly.”

  9. This will have to go into my “favorite posts of all time” folder, lol! Thank you. Now I must lever my frame, also carrying the additional equivalent of a (large) six-year-old child, into my morning walk.

  10. Hah! I love this post. I know I’ve lost a ton of weight since September, because September is when my husband and I spent a ridiculous amount of money on an elliptical. Some folks might think we haven’t lost any weight, but we don’t pay them any mind. The proof of all our weight loss is right down there in our basement – we’ve got an elliptical for crying out loud. We’re pretty sure in addition to all the weight loss the elliptical’s brought us that now we’ve got more friends, more money, and even our teeth are whiter.

  11. Lol! The cookies have been staring at me all morning – after reading this I am going to go have 2!!

    And, I wear an M-cup. No, I did not think they went that big, but they do.

    And over here it’s 70 extra pounds from 4 kids. What is that? Like an 8 year old?

    My kids (and husband) say, “Mamas should be soft.” Well, I am glad I haven’t let them down!!

  12. Love this! The cookie thing, especially. I used to swear that when I was in college and thoughtfully purchasing only a small coffee, the coffee itself would murmur “Candy bar with that?” thus sabotaging my best efforts.

    BTW Simcha, speaking of college–that professor you reference wasn’t at a small New England Catholic college, was he? Just curious…

  13. Actually, I blame the increase in cup-sizes on that newfangled “nursing” thing. I think fashions need to catch up— we should all return to the “Beer Wench” look! Easy to pop out and feed a kid! And men love being surrounded by Beer Wenches– (As long as they have a tray full of beer handy……….)

    I’ve also noticed something about “Thin”– There’s a difference between “Naturally willowy even though she has 6 kids” thin and “Not going to have once ounce of cake and working out 6 hours a day lest I put on an ounce” thin. The first sort are–willowly… graceful… adored by kids.

    The second sort are very pointy and poky and kind of scare the kiddos…….

    Of course, I say this as someone who looked in the mirror one day and said “Face it. You’ve been pregnant 5 times. You’re NEVER going to look like a maiden again. Embrace your inner matron. ” So I have. Matronly is a complement, and face it… I AM middle aged. It’s only the boomers with their “60 is the new 30!!!!!!” who insist that I’m young……

    • “Matronly is a compliment…”

      I agree. And I’m only 25. I was so excited when the first cashiers started calling me “ma’am” instead of Miss. Ugh, who wants to be a Miss all her life?

      And, in a spectacular feat of preparation for my second child, I just went through my entire closet and pulled out all the clothing that I will never again wear, so that I can donate them. I did this thankfully, however, since all those clothes are high school/college clothes that, even if I could fit into them again, I would never want to.

      Honestly, I wish someone had taught me fashion sense back then.

      • Well, to be fair to your 16 year old self, a lot of things that look ridiculous on a 25 year old DO look cute on a 16 year old!

        Not my 16 year old wardrobe, though— I was in high school during the age of grunge. NOONE looks attractive in flannel shirts, ripped jeans (naturally ripped! I just kept wearing them!) and chuck taylor high tops……..

  14. I’m not fat I’m prepared for the apocalypse. Some stock their cupboards I stock myself which transports easier then cases of food.50# on me I can carry all day. Not so with a 50# bag of rice. Besides I have never been infested with grain moths.

  15. Ah Simcha this was hilarious! I read it to my husband yesterday while we were waiting in the hospital for a loooong time, and it had us both cracking up. Thanks for another great post!

  16. You are really really witty. I’m sure you know. Like the Liz Lemmon of Catholic Mommy Bloggers. I just love reading you!

  17. I seem to be the only male that’s seen this so far ….

    I enjoyed the heck out of it! Including every comment so far. I haven’t had a weight struggle myself; it conquered me fairly easily, with only occasional resistance. You’re definitely right about the greater fashion options; I remember when the only jeans you could buy over a 38″ waist were made out of the stretchy, soft ersatz denim that seemed to be reserved especially for fat guys: “You’re not good enough for real Levi’s!” (Of course, some fashions should be left to skinny people, especially anything involving Spandex.)

    God bless you, Simcha!

  18. […] Seven Fat Takes « I have to sit down Even when you've grown beyond bunchy, sailed past stout, and landed firmly in the land of lard, you will find that the hangers with your size on it are no longer the last one on the rack — there's a whole new alphabet back there! For just ONE cookie Well, that's ridiculous! But, if I just eat that ONE cookie and eat my hamburger with no bun tonight, that should even things out a bit. Oh, and I did go up and down stairs a few extra times this morning because I kept . […]

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