Since as many as two of my readers have asked for pictures of my van (which I described here), here are some pictures of my van:
You know what, I think one picture is enough. You get the general idea. Contain your jealousy! If anyone deserves to tool around rural southern New Hampshire in a vehicle this awesome, it’s me.
As you will see, it is an intimidating vehicle, weighing in at two-and-a-half tons of pure kid-schlepping menace. If you are unlucky enough to find yourself stuck behind our van in traffic, you’ll have this stonelike visage to contend with:
So what we have here is not so much a picture of how the decals under the back windows resemble the mustache of Muammar El Qadaffi, as an illustration of the law of diminishing returns, exacerbated by the husband who brings around gin. That is to say, the harder I worked on this stupid picture, the stupider it got, until my husband came along and asked what I was doing. So I explained it, and then he decided to bring around some gin.
Oh, the time stamp on this post that says 7 a.m.? Don’t think about it too hard.
I have to sit down 
That there is some masterful photoshopping. So… You did this last night and posted it this morning. Because NOBODY has gin at 7 in the morning.
Most excellent! Great way to start the morning. 🙂 I’ve got a huge grin on my face.
The awesomeness is overwhelming me at this moment!
Definitely some first-class photoshopping there, but I’m thinking that a COeXiSt bumper sticker beneath Qaddafi’s visage would have completed the total awesomeness.
Faaaabulous.
He looks a little like Mandy Patinkin, only not as cute.
Sitting around for hours photoshopping your van.
Drinking gin and blogging with little kids around.
Finding your baby on a slippery, high counter around a bunch of glass around and the first thing you do is look for your camera.
Does anyone else see a problem here?
Just stumbled upon this blog and somebody told me it was funny and Catholic. Sure. But beneath that is an undercurrent of SAD. Precious years with little people wasted by a bunch of nonsense.
Sorry. It just needed saying.
No, Norm. No one sees a problem a here. If you had any sense at all, you’d be able to see the sacrifice, dedication and love that characterize the Fisher family. You’d also get a sense of how smart, well mannered, creative and wonderful the Fisher children are.
Maybe you should add the word “irony” to your vocabulary.
Maybe you should also try drinking gin.
Just when I thought your blog couldn’t get any funnier…
Norm–Don’t be such a buzz-kill!
Norm, you have a problem with pride. Go find a nice, quiet place, and ask God to help you root it out.
Also, you are a protestant. Which would be fine, except I think you’re pretending to be catholic.
Don’t come back until you’re sorry.
Will you marry me?
*Like*
Norm-
Dirkka, dirkka jihad Mohammed. Sorry. It just needed saying.
Okay, I am so sorry for hurting your feelings. I didn’t mean to say it in a jerky way and I do wholeheartedly apologize.
I am Catholic. I have a big family. I am sure that those who know this family personally are right about all the wonderful things they are. But, when Simcha hangs a lantern on something which seems chaotic or dangerous, I get this little “twinge” of sadness. The funny is just gone.
It appears that I am totally alone in this?
Anyway, that is neither here nor there. I should have kept such a personal observation to myself. I hope I am forgiven. All the best.
Norm:
Just don’t assume the worst of what you read. Take a step back and look at the irony and the hilarity of each moment – and… get ready: LAUGH.
Try it, it’s better than gin at 7am.
Norm, it appears you are bringing your SAD experience and history into your reading of a humor post. Lighten up, buddy. It’s not all about you.
Okay, thanks for the apology, Norm. Will respond more later – rushing out to dentist appt.
You don’t have to justify yourself at all. You have forgiven me, which is so very good of you. Divine, in fact! Thank you.
Please forget all about stupid, bumbling Norm.
I get sorrier and sorrier as I picture you at the dentist.
Wait, Norm! Don’t go! This is the perfect opportunity for us to explain to you that mothers of large families NEED ladies like Simcha to take the time to photoshop her van and tell the truth about the horrible-no-good-things that happen in her crazy Catholic home, because the same kinds of things are happening in ours, and if we don’t commiserate, vent, analyze, and refocus while snorting coffee out our noses while laughing, we will all DIE.
We need to know that normal is slightly dysfunctional so that we have strength to persevere in normalness, because the rest of the world is telling us we’re crazy. I hope that make sense, because I have to run and get someone here off a countertop….
Norm, thanks for your humble responses. I’m writing not to berate you, but to reassure you. I know Simcha personally, and for all her self-deprecation, she is an extremely attentive mother. No matter how busy things are around her, she always gives her full attention to whoever is tugging at her sleeve at the moment. She has read them whole libraries of books. She throws birthday parties for them you wouldn’t believe, with home-made “birthday thrones” and elaborately decorated cakes. She educated them so well that her nine-year-old, entering school for the first time, tested grade 12+ for reading comprehension.
Simcha is a story teller, and she’s been known to stretch a detail here and there to make a story better. But you can rest assured that the children are better than well attended to.
I also know her personally and wholeheartedly second all of the above.
I have had the unfortunate experience of living in a psycho, abusive, Catholic large family and the number one rule of psycho abusive Catholic large family is that you don’t talk about psycho abusive Catholic large family. Full disclosure tends to be the domain of the innocent and AWESOME!!!
When someone is actually apologetic, even in a slightly snarky and very “holier than thou” way it does kind of ruin the fun.
I’m SAD that no one is talking about the van anymore, but I think it looks just about right for tooling around and solving mysteries.
And driving drunk!
with kids and glass jars and 20lb sacks of flour in the back.
that van reminds me of the van I used to drive for the family of 7 kids I used to nanny for. Boy did I love that van. Not. lol. It was super handy for all the little munchkins, but did it have to be so big and bulky and completely unattractive to single men?
Oh, my God! I missed the baby on the counter picture! How could I? Where was I? I did have to check the face in the picture to make sure that it wasn’t one of mine.
Keep posting those pictures because that is real life and I totally understand why you made that decision. I’m still a little torn about putting mine in school, but I’m outnumbered at five kids, including a two year old who’s probably sharing ideas with your three year old.
Almost forgot – another joke for you. What did the bee say to the flower? Hi, honey!
Okay, I’m back from the dentist, but it appears I have to make supper, AGAIN. So thank you, one and all, for your good-humored support – and here’s my quick answer to “Norm,” with no hard feelings:
There are thousands of blogs where you can read about mothers who are always generous, continent, kind, patient, clean, prudent, and wise. With pictures. Some people enjoy reading these blogs, and draw inspiration from them.
Other people, however, read and despair.
Once the great Erma Bombeck visited a woman who was in jail for the unthinkable crime of murdering her own child. Mrs. Bombeck said that the woman told her, “If I knew it was okay to laugh at these things, I wouldn’t be here today.”
Simcha, I hope you don’t mind the use of some late nineties parlance when I say: you are the BOMB. You and your husband both–you’re the bomb[s]. A mom bomb and a daddy bomb.
Bomb=good
Thank you, Dan. And I believe I speak for my husband, too, when I say that I think that you and your wife are, as well, the good bomb.
I did laugh out loud when Norm said “chaotic or dangerous,” b/c I’m pretty sure those lines are the epitome of life in a large household. It should be like an ‘all who enter here beware’ kind of slogan over my front door. That’s why we fervently pray our Guardian Angel prayer everyday!!!
Reminds me of a great local family who, amongst the ‘chaotic/ dangerous’ bustling household, lost their 2 year old for about 2 minutes from some diffusion of responsibility mishap, and someone came in from the STREET carrying her, saying, “This was on the sidewalk.”
When the smug local left, the father just rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, the town is going to eat this up.” And then quickly, “Thank you, Guardian Angel.”
Okay, that’s a little scary, but I do take pictures when I find my children on the refrigerator. I mean, really, how the *&% did they GET up there??
Oh, btw… sweeeeet ride. 😉
90’s enough for you?
Maybe we were shooting for 80’s…
COOL!
Simcha- your blog is also heartening for moms of small families, too. I think moms in general can benefit from anything that can help lighten the load. Thanks!
I feel lucky to not need the van, though!
I have been telling my husband for years that my van is the color of BORING…. I would love a sassy paint job that says something… anything other than boring. And, my two year old sneaks up on the counter whenever he can so he can “do it myself.”
Simcha, I love your blog. Every time I read it, you make me laugh. We had baby #3 at the end of last year, and somehow things at my house are SO much more “chaotic and dangerous” than they ever have been before. Thanks for helping me laugh at Catholic mommy life. I am one of those people tends to despair when I read the happy mommy blogs. So, thanks for being here on the interwebs. Keep up the good work! If I had any money, I’d send you more gin!
O Sweet Jesus, how you make me laugh. (Btw, here’s a Hear! Hear! to Justine – if she throws in fathers too.) Our van looks just like yours except it doesn’t sport the Qadaffi stache or any of those cool racing stripes on the side. I’m guessing you had those babies added though, huh?