Mother Eye/Father Eye

Our first day at the beach, finally! We went for a quick evening dip at the town pond. First I had the camera:

and then, seconds later, my husband had it:

Heh.

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Communication keeps a marriage strong.

Him:  I love you.

Me:  I love you, too.  But if you get me pregnant, I’ll stab you in the eye.

Him:  I have two.

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The Difference Between Men and Women, vol. 3(?)

Sorry for the late start this morning, folks.  We are in the throes of August Fun Panic, and are rushing to create sufficient evidence that we had a nice summer — so I am a leetle bit behind on everything (by which I mean the kids are eating raw oatmeal out of sandwich bags for breakfast).

While I get caught up, here is something I heard on Car Talk yesterday on the car radio.  I laughed so hard, someone in an Audi actually yielded to me, just to get his car away from my car.  I believe that yielding breaks the solemn Audi code of conduct, but that’s not my problem.  Enjoy:

“A Matter of Sex” by the master, Dave Barry

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Intertwine

image source

The smartest thing I’ve ever heard about men and women and sex is something Matthew Lickona said.   I couldn’t find the exact quote, but it was like this:

Men need to have sex in order to feel taken care of.  But women need to feel taken care of in order to want to have sex.

You could see this situation as an insurmountable dilemma and a cruel trick of nature.  Or you can see it as God’s way of making sure that men and women are good to each other.

Isn’t that right?  It only works if we have to work for it.

And now, just because I recently rediscovered Patty Loveless (I couldn’t get the Lettermman intro off, but the song starts at 17 seconds):

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Hallie Lord: “What’s wrong with you?”

Dear Readers,

Today, I am very grateful to Hallie Lord, who wrote today’s post.  I would also like to point out the importance of proper punctuation in the title above.  To clarify further:  as far as I know, there is nothing wrong with Hallie Lord, other than the fact that she is pregnant and it is HOT.

Enjoy Hallie’s piece, check out her lovely and funny blog, Betty Beguiles, and stay tuned tomorrow for Thursday Throwback, in which I’m so lazy, I guest post for my own blog.

~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

Jessie dropped lobster and knife and ran to him with frightened eyes.

“What’s the matter, Bob, are you ill?”

“Not at all, dear.”

“Then what’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing.”

Hearken, brethren. When She-who-has-a-right-to-ask interrogates you concerning a change she finds in your mood answer her thus: Tell her that you, in a sudden rage, have murdered your grandmother; tell her that you have robbed orphans and that remorse has stricken you; tell her your fortune is swept away; that you are beset by enemies, by bunions, by any kind of malevolent fate; but do not, if peace and happiness are worth as much as a grain of mustard seed to you—do not answer her “Nothing.”

-O. Henry, The Rubaiyat of a Scotch Highball

Dear male readers of Simcha’s blog: I come in peace. I am not here to judge or condemn you. No, I merely hope to save you the inestimable grief that my poor husband experienced when he uttered his own seemingly harmless “Nothing.”

You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Your girl says, “What’s the matter, sweetheart?” and your reply is always—and I do mean always—“Nothing.” Don’t get me wrong, I do know why you say that EVERY. TIME. It is because your thoughts at that moment have to do with some terrible, weighty issue, perhaps related to a feeling of rejection you are experiencing or with concerns you have over the way the war in Afghanistan is being handled. And because you boys love us girls so much you want to protect us, shield us from your inner pain. Of course you do, silly boys. Why else would you choose to respond with something as pithy and uninformative as “Nothing”? To avoid all of our helpful input? Of course not that.

Nevertheless, I feel compelled to alert you to the fact that the above situation does place you firmly between a rock and a hard place. Should you decide to gamble with a “Nothing”—rather than share the concerns of your heart and mind with your lady love—than three most unfortunate fates will most assuredly befall you.

First, she might just assume that you question her love and devotion. I know, I know: how could she reach such an extreme conclusion based on a single indefinite pronoun?  Let me explain. You see, we women spend countless hours studying the ways of our beloveds. We have studied you the way Darwin studied tortoises on the Galapagos Islands, and we’ve been doing it ever since the first blooms of young love seized our hearts. We take great pride in our ability to know and love you (though, admittedly, we may not always understand you). We know when there is something wrong with you. Were you to imply that perhaps we might be mistaken and that there is actually “Nothing” wrong with you—why, that would essentially be telling us that we are not adequately devoted to you! Do you mean to suggest that we do not know you well enough to sense the slightest seismic shifts in your masculine demeanor? Really now!

Second, as O. Henry alluded to above, the female imagination is a thing of wonder. Indeed, were you to take his suggestion and tell us that you had murdered your grandmother it would pale in comparison to what we ourselves might conclude was truly bothering you. It would be better to just lie to us; otherwise, we will be forced to extrapolate. You agree, don’t you?

Finally, there is the very slightest chance (miniscule, really) that we may—in a moment of weakness—decide that you really are in fact consciously attempting to avoid all of our helpful input, as mentioned earlier. The incisive dialogue…the penetrating, emotionally charged analysis of even your most trivial thoughts…avoided? I don’t imagine I need to tell you the ways in which this would be a very, very bad thing, do I? Think of poor Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction—remember how saddened and betrayed she felt? You wouldn’t want that, would you? No, I didn’t think so.

So, do tell us: What is the matter with you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hallie Lord married her dashing husband, Dan, in the fall of 2001 (the same year, coincidentally, that she joyfully converted to the Catholic faith). They now happily reside in the Deep South with their two energetic boys and two very sassy girls. They are expecting their fifth child later this summer. In her *ample* spare time Hallie blogs at BettyBeguiles.com and FaithandFamilyLive.com.

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“Most Disappointing Lesbian of the Year”

Just a quick note:  I just posted on The Inside Blog, if you’d care to take a look.  Eventually, I will grow enough brain cells to have a sidebar for this kind of thing (and a blogroll, and a reader . . . ) on my own blog.

But don’t forget to read today’s other post, below, which is much more fun!

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The Difference Between Men and Women, Vol. 1

(picture source)

(and may I add that the difference between this guy and most other guys is that his tush is in front)

BEHOLD THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:

(A true story — not about me, though.)

Woman:  Hey, our 20th anniversary is coming up, and we have a little extra money.  I was thinking it would be really practical, and kind of romantic at the same time, if we went out together and got replacements for all our old-worn out wedding gifts!  You know, all the pots and pans and towels and sheets and everything that people gave us?  We could really use new ones, and wouldn’t that be kind of romantic?

Man:  Or we could get a motorcycle.

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