In the meantime, he started driving a taxi to bring in some cash. He sent us this list of memorable quotes from his first day driving:
(1) At the intersection of 27th Avenue and Indian School:
“Ooh. Ooh. Come on, light. Come on, light, turn. I do not want this baby to be born at 27th and Indian School.”(2) Woman who has just picked up her daughter from school, and is on the phone with said daughter’s father:“So you know what I want you to do for me? I want you to kiss my mutha f—- ass. Can you do that for me, n—-?” (to me:) “Yeah, here’s good. Thank you so much!”(3) Lady with a walker:“And he said, ‘Do you like gypsies?’ and I said, ‘No, I do not like gypsies. I hate gypsies.’”
(4) Guy from in front of the barbecue place:“So when they came in to bust up her identity theft stuff, they found my little pot farm too.”
(5) Guy on his way to court:“So I took the golf club and, you know, just kind of a reflex, I bashed in the side of his van.”
When I was telemarketing (shut up, it was a tough economy. Don’t you judge me!) I had a list of names that cracked me up so bad, I totally blew my chance to convince them take advantage of the opportunity to have their carpets deep-cleaned for a low, introductory price. One guy was named “Orestes Anastasia.” It that doesn’t sound funny, just imagine that it’s really hot, you’re 17, and you’ve eaten nothing but black coffee and Mike and Ikes all day. FUNNY!
One woman got very offended at my offer, and huffily informed me that the only proper way to clean one’s oriental rug was to wait until it snows, to lay ones carpet face down on said snow, and to pat it. I have to admit, that sounded better than sending over one of our alert, uniformed attendants.
One guy just told me, “Um, sorry, this is actually an answering machine.”
And then there was the time (fairly close to my last day, as I recall) when I tried to say “carpet shampoo, ” and it came out “car poo.”
Didn’t make that sale.
So tell me: what do you remember from past jobs? Did you carry around a slip of paper so you could write the weirdest parts down? Tell tell tell!